So, I realized that I am like five episodes behind on Secret Life. Therefore, I'm skipping ahead to 5.5 - Past History, and maaaaaaaaaaybe will get to the missed episodes in a while. Who can say, really.
So here's what we've missed. Ashley has somehow managed to run away to Spain, despite being a child with no discernible income, to which I say, kudos, because that is insane. Ben and his pyro psycho girlfriend have been investigated for the fire at the school, and it seems like Dylan is totally screwed, which is fair, since she IS the one who set the school on fire. Ricky still wants a wedding and Ann wants to plan it for them, but Amy has some serious attitude about her mom bringing a stranger as her date to the wedding, which makes some sense, but Ricky thinks that Amy is just a homophobic douche trying to keep her mother from being happy.
There was also some subplot where Grace tried to get Omar fired for made-up harassment charges, which, TV, can we just agree to stop with the fake-sexual-assault-ruins-man's-life plots, because it doesn't happen that often in real life but if TV were to be believed, it happens every five minutes. Adrian was in the previously-on too, but I didn't catch what her asinine side plot was. Oh, and Grace wants Jack to be more obviously Christian, which, I don't even know how to deal with that, so I won't.
Wait, Mimsy gave Ashley TEN THOUSAND dollars for no reason. Amy got $1,000 and Ricky says they can't keep it because Mimsy has Alzheimer's and apparently Ricky is still the sole moral compass of the show.
There's a new pregnant girl and she's an asshole in the best way, I completely stand behind this decision.
Grace missed out on the REST OF HER LIFE by not going to med camp over the summer. Apparently all the other med campers got into multiple colleges with scholarship options all over the place AND met the surgeon general. Womp womp.
Dylan and Ben are officially over. Yessssssssss.
Amy is apparently the pregnant girl's mentor? How. Why. Hahahahaha, pregnant girl is flirting with Ricky's little brother, who I can't remember, is he his biological brother or were they just placed together in a home?
Ricky just ran into a fellow foster kid in college, because he's in college now. Apparently he had a biiiiiiiiiig crush on her because he's being super weird about seeing her. Her name is Clementine, btw. Juuuuuust so you know.
Oh my god, everyone is at the same college. It's Boy Meets World all over again. Godddddddd.
Hahahaha, the football coaches just called the getting-Jack-to-say-he's-Christian thing "Operation Tebow." So Grace is in cahoots with the coaches? This just got insanely convoluted.
The kids are getting all the weddings. Apparently Ricky's foster mom is having elephants at her wedding, so she wins.
Oh, wait, I think Ben is the one who accused Omar of being a creep. Great.
Oh god. Ohhhhhh god. Apparently we missed a flash mob, guys. And we missed Madison GOING BLONDE. Not the best choice. I never support redheads abandoning their color. I know, I know, it's her head. Sigh.
Madison and Lauren are discussing a wedding, and Lauren is once again the voice of maturity and reason. Sigh. There are really only two reasonable people on this show. Ricky and Lauren. They should run away. Not together. Just. Away.
So it looks like Amy's money is going to get stolen. They showed her putting her purse in her locker with far too close of framing for it to not get stolen.
Ann went to Italy with Robbie? What the hell is happening? I'm so sorry, Secret Life. I'll never abandon you again. Too much has happened.
Oh George. I love him in such a weird way. Somehow he manages to be a very relatable character.
Oooooooh, new pregnant girl is giving her kid up for adoption, which turned into a weird little speech from Amy about how everyone should be able to choose whether they keep or adopt-out their baby, which seemed like a don't-have-an-abortion speech? I really can't figure out how this show wants to deal with abortion.
Henry is trying to justify burning down the school? This is weird.
Hah, oh, Leo. Thank you for asking Ben how the hell he managed to just kinda accidentally sleep with Alice, because I know that that was my number one question.
People are doing all kinds of sexy home decorating in this episode.
Jack is giving Grace a relationship ultimatum, even though they aren't dating? He said he loved her but couldn't be with her unless they were having sex. Okay.
Ricky had Amy's purse all along! Oh, hijinks. Hyuck hyuck hyuck.
The pregnant girl and Ricky's little brother are dating? Or something.
Anyway, I don't have a moral for this episode, except maybe kids shouldn't be allowed to date, ever. I was going to say "in high school, because I certainly made poor choices then," but then I realized I haven't exactly switched to good decisions at any point. So. Don't date anyone, ever. That is the moral of Secret Life.