new girl, i am having feelings about you, and they are complicated

fun fact: this is what you get if you google image search "menzies"

In last week's episode, Menzies, New Girl went on the offensive. By which I mean, the offensive offensive. By which I mean, there was a silent old Asian man who helped Nick reach "zen" and Jess had the most intense PMS of all time.

click gif to go to gif-maker's site

On the one hand, the whole PMS thing was so intensely overblown that it was funny in its absurdity - it seemed more like "this is seriously what people think PMS is for all women, hyuck hyuck hyuck" than "this is seriously what PMS is! Dudes! Am I right! Your girlfriend has totally done this!" So I could get on board with that, especially since there were a few things that happened where I was like, okay, yes, that is hilarious because it is factual to my life, but I will not specify which things because I like to keep things confusing.

click gifs for link to gif-maker's tumblr

On the same side of that hand, one could interpret the whole Nick-old-Asian-guy thing as being a severely over-the-top to the point of satire thing - but I'm not sure that most people would view it that way. I feel like most people in my demographic (i.e., white, raised suburban and middle class) would group this guy, who I'm pretty sure remains nameless throughout the episode, since he only speaks like five words, into a Mr. Miyagi-type category - oh, look, a quietly mystical ethnically Asian man is using his mysterious, Eastern knowledge to help a young white person! Rad!

Look, New Girl, I'm not convinced that you're not smart enough to be doing this in a satirical manner - you've done some really wonderful stereotypes-way-past-the-edge-of-absurdity thing in the past, and I don't doubt that you can do that in the future - I just am also not convinced that this episode was meant to be funny in the pushing-back-at-tropes way, and not in the racist-stereotypes-as-humor way.

I will give you another chance, New Girl, because you have Schmidt, and that is all I really need right now (seriously, Schmidt and Jean-Ralphio and I'm done. DONE, I tell you). Also, you're one of very few shows to have at least two minority characters in your main cast (I'm counting Cece in the main cast, which TVEquals did not, but I think she definitely is a main cast member). I think that, for the most part, you're doing positive things. It's just, when I like a show, I don't want to have to admit to any flaws about it (unless it's Secret Life, in which the entire point is that it is nothing but flaws). I expect more from you, New Girl, and I really think you're capable of it.

secret life of the american teenager: the WTF!?!??!?!? edition

So, watching Secret Life, like I do, laughing about how they're working in someone retelling their plotline (Ben wants to date the pothead, and thus lots of overexplanatory speeches have happened about the last few years of his and his father's lives), laughing at another absurd Grace plotline (Grace's dad was going off to Africa because HE HAD A SECRET FAMILY IN AFRICA, WTF), when the following happens:

Grace calls Jack and says, "Wanna have sex?" Jack immediately sprints out of his room, shows up at Grace's in like no time, she's like, "Oh I changed my mind," banter banter banter, AND THEN:

Jack: "Confusion is good sometimes."
Grace: "Sometimes? Like when?"
Jack: "Like when you're trying to get a girl into bed?"

HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE, SECRET LIFE. WHAT THE HELL. WHAT THE HELL.

Things that are good when trying to get someone into bed:
- Open dialogues
- Active and informed consent
- Enthusiasm
- Not using the phrase "trying to get [x] into bed" to their face

Things that are NOT good (or, more colloquially, BAD) when trying to get someone into bed:
- Non-consent
- Reluctance
- Confusion

WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FAMILY PROGRAMMING, SECRET LIFE?!?!??!

Seriously though, I don't really like you taking the weirdest, most stalkery and obsessive character, who tells random girls that he loves them so that they'll sleep with him, AND THEN HAVING HIM SAY A TOTALLY CREEPY LINE.

I seriously paused the TV, said, "WOAH, SECRET LIFE! WOAH! WOAH! WHAT THE HELL! WOAH!" and ran to get my laptop to write this because I can't even deal with how WTF that whole thing was.

Wait, let's see how Grace responds, because I cut her off in my "WOAH WOAH WTF WOAH" freakout - pressing play -

Grace (shaking hands with Jack): "Maybe we can be friends, but I don't know if that's possible!"
Jack: "Maybe, but I will always want to have sex with you."
Grace: (Epic eyeroll)

Hmm. Not exactly the WOAH WOAH WTF WOAH WHAT WOAH moment I would've liked. By which I mean, I'm not sure why Grace didn't throw his creepy rape-speak-ing ass out the kitchen door.

Holy crap, guys. What in the hell. What in the love of family programming involving incredibly poor family planning.

Oh yeah, and Amy's late. Again. Amy. Oh, Amy. Jesus, Amy. Stop having unplanned babies. Welp, one-third of teen moms get pregnant again in short order. At least she's telling Ricky. That's like a step in the right direction. Maybe. Oh wait, no she's not, she's just being mysterious and crying for no clear reason. Maybe they will finally really deal with abortion on this show that has had like fifteen unplanned pregnancies. Maybe that will be a thing.

HAHAHAHAHA LIKE THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

Why do I watch this? What is my deal?

Also there is no such thing as a box of condoms that is just blue with CONDOMS in big white letters that stretch across the whole thing. The entire point of condom packaging is that it's mildly discreet.

Anyway. That's my rant of the day. Based on a show that a lot of teenagers are watching. That's great. That's awesome. That's what teenagers need to see, an obsessive stalker getting a shot at a girl he's stalking. Yay. And a million pregnancies. All the babies. Jesus.



UPDATE FROM END OF EPISODE: Amy's not preggo. She was just late. And they had stopped using condoms. Dude. Dude. You'd think someone who got PREGNANT THE FIRST TIME SHE EVER HAD SEX would be a little less cavalier about birth control methods. 

things you should read: wow it has been a long time edition

This is going to be a super-massive post: save it for a rainy day, or something.

from deviantart, user arseniic

[h/t originalbun] Amber Tamblyn convinces Tyrese that she's Amber Rose; Tyrese doesn't like it. Make sure to listen to the demos, as they are a delight.

My favorite historical feud is now, and generally has been, the feud between Tesla and Edison. I think it all began for me with Coffee and Cigarettes, where Jack White explains a Tesla coil. Why? Because he can.

Hank is a cat, running for senate. Dogs are piiiiiissed.

My friend Collette posts a really upsetting story about a complete lack of professionalism and genital-shaming. Womp womp.

In the realm of depressing stories, this one from Nerve made me feel deflated.

So, let's all find copies of this error code guide, and live it.

Sometimes PETA can sort of be irresponsible assholes, and Wyatt Cenac does an excellent job of putting that back on them.

INTERVIEW WITH LADIES OF COMMUNITY!!!! :D :D :D :D Sorry. Can't control myself. So great.

If you've been feeling down because Rush Limbaugh is a jerk, or because your state is trying to pass a transvaginal ultrasound law, go to Men Who Trust Women and maybe feel like the entire world isn't trying to destroy vaginas.

I'm going to work on getting a feelings washroom installed in my workplace.

I love everything about this.

A new theory on how to watch Star Wars is making the rounds. General consensus: agreed.

This running update post about celebrities holding things is awesome, and I recommend checking it every so often just in case.

Pretty Little Liars is an awesome show, that I theoretically should be blogging about, and here's why.

It's learning time! Let's learn about cultural appropriation in fashion! Yay thinking!

Now let's learn what Supreme Court Justices do, courtesy of SCJ Sonia Sotomayor and Sesame Street.

Try out this video for size, and let me know how you do. I got 20/26!

Also, a great article by someone you would definitely want on your kid's PTA.

Lastly, because this is crazy long and how did I get so far behind on these links, is this open letter to Hollywood, saying, basically, "It's not piracy's fault the film industry is dying; it's because you won't make good movies." (/slow clap.)

thinking about my last post

My last post, a very menses post, resulted in a lot of my friends talking to me about cups. Like, a LOT of my friends. [Content note: sexual assault, women's rights, menses, Rush Limbaugh.]

a very menses post

Content note: MENSES. (Actually my thoughts on menstrual cups, but, you know, if you have problems with periods, just wanted to give you a heads up there. Add also, this will probably not interest you if you do not have ovaries. Also also, full disclosure, I am not getting paid for anything I'm saying here. Like everything else I write, this is for free.)

what happened to frederick (1:13)

This week, in disappointingly Kathryn-David-Mary-Margaret-heavy OUaT spoilers:

redbeanbun goes to the movies: paaaaaul newman double feature

Sorry, that's totally unrelated except for that I have "Paaaaa-aaaul Newman... Double Feature..." running through my head incessantly.

Anyway! I mentioned that my best friend was in town, and she was my Valentine. The Lincoln Center Film Society was showing a double feature of Paul Newman goodness, which also counted as a double feature of works adapted from American Southern writers and super hot ladies.

Oh, and it was a glorious evening.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

If you haven't seen this movie already, see it. Why haven't you seen it? You are weird.

You may have an existential crisis. To fix this, follow it up with this:

The Long, Hot Summer

This movie has a weirdly feminist feel to it. The lead female character (Joanne Woodward as Clara Varner) has an exchange with her somewhat boring beau (Richard Anderson playing the Paris of Frenchman's Bend) about how women think a lot about sex, and how she's really, really interested in doing more than talking about it. (She also stubbornly states that she's smart, and funny, and has good taste, and people should love her, dammit! WHICH IS AMAZING.)

But it takes dashing newcomer Ben Quick (Newman!), wandering around without a shirt, digging holes, looking... healthy... and sweaty... and sometimes a little bit dirty... sorry, got distracted - it takes Ben Quick's pure seduction for the entire movie for her to start getting what she wants.

This movie is so full of excellent quotes. It's so smart and sexy and irreverent. The best line, though, bar none, that actually elicited applause from the Lincoln Center Film Society audience (as well as some breathy, embarrassed laughter) was this gem from Newman to Woodward:

The world belongs to the meat eaters, Miss Clara, and if you have to take it raw, take it raw.


Oh my lord, that movie. It has to be one of the sexiest movies I've ever seen, and nobody did anything more than kiss.

Honestly, we've got a long weekend coming up (here in the US). If you are in possession of ten extra dollars, buy it (it's on Amazon Instant Video, y'alls, and there's the link) or stream it via your fancy Amazon Prime membership (which is free if you have a .edu email address!), find yourself a date or be your own date, add your sexy movie-snacks of choice (my thought: a six-pack and sexy nachos (so sexy!)), and enjoy. Mmmmm.

Seriously, if I were a lady in 1870, this film would've given me the vapors.

Well dear reader, I hope you take my advice and pull a Paul Newman marathon this long, hot weekend. For it will be long and hot if you have a Paul Newman movie marathon.

Vapors!

you read my blog, special edition: GET MAD

From this girl's facebook

So, I don't know if you guys are also insanely pissed about Susan G. Komen pulling their funding from Planned Parenthood, but I SURE AM.

Here are some links to get you doing things:

The NY Daily News ran this article that's worth reading, and also that has a poll, where "SCREW YOU SGK YOU SHOULD NOT PULL YOUR FUNDING THAT IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND NOT HELPING WOMEN GET SCREENED FOR BREAST CANCER YOU IDIOTIC JERKS" is currently in the lead! Let's keep it there.

Cecile Richards (president of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America) wrote a piece for HuffPo about three easy things you can do, one of which is the following, most important link:

Sign this completely badass letter. It'll also get you on Planned Parenthood's action email list thing, where they contact you and say, SIGN THIS PETITION! or PLEASE GIVE US FIVE DOLLARS BECAUSE EVERYONE HATES US.

Sadly, right now, I'm getting a lot of emails from Planned Parenthood. Everyone's coming at them right now, and ironically, pretty much all of the people attacking PP don't actually know much about what PP is or does.

Yes, some Planned Parenthood centers provide abortions. But not all of them, not by a long shot. In some states (such as my home state, Utah), none of the Planned Parenthood centers provide abortions. They can provide referrals to places that will provide them, but they don't actually do them. I volunteered in the phone bank at the Salt Lake City Planned Parenthood, and I had to tell a bunch of scared-sounding girls that nobody was going to force them to do anything, and that Planned Parenthood actually has a lot of great counselling options and the people who work there just want what's best for you. They're not going to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. They're not going to force you to look at pictures of aborted fetuses, like the so-called crisis pregnancy centers run by religious groups that spout lies like it's their job (maybe it is, I don't know, but I do know that getting tested for STIs does not make you more susceptible to them, as I heard one CPC worker say to a teenaged girl).

Also, none of Planned Parenthood's federal or state funding goes towards providing abortions. In my Planned Parenthood Action Council of New York training, the clinic workers explained to us how they had to keep everything separate - for example, if you get a new pack of birth control pills in any of the appointments that are linked to your abortion, pre-, post-, or whenever, those birth control pills have to come from the completely separate stock of abortion-related supplies that are on a separate shelf, with different stickers, and the UPC code has to be entered into a tracking database to prove that the money used to buy it was not from the non-abortion side. It's insane, but they do it, because they have to.

I don't even know how I feel about abortion. I think it's a really tricky moral question, and it's not one I ever want to have to deal with, but even if I don't agree with abortion (I'm not saying I do or I don't - I'm saying it's a really complicated topic), I definitely support Planned Parenthood and the insanely huge range of other things it does.

Planned Parenthood provides counselling. They do STI testing. They do pelvic and breast exams. They do Pap tests. They do sex ed (and yes, they include abstinence). They help parents learn to talk to their kids about sex. They help victims of rape or sexual assault get resources. They provide medically necessary care to women, and they do it on a sliding scale based on income. They don't turn anyone away based on an inability to pay. They have financial counselors to help you figure out how to get the care you need with the money you have (or don't have).

Basically, when I was in high school, and didn't know much about Planned Parenthood, I thought it was where you went to get an abortion. As I got older, learned more about the organization, and volunteered for it in various aspects, I realized that it's so much more than that, and so important to the health and well-being of a whole hell of a lot of people.

Honestly, if you don't know about what Planned Parenthood actually does, take half an hour to read about what they do and what they offer. It's a great organization, and as someone who was in an abusive relationship and was sexually assaulted, all I can say is that I wish I had known sooner the overwhelming amount of help that PP can provide.

/end rant. Back to waxing rhapsodic on pop culture.

new shows to check out: endgame edition

Okay, I know, I know, I know, "get a new hobby and stop being so into crime procedurals!" I don't care. I like them.

Endgame (spelled with a backwards E at the end for reasons I cannot fathom) centers around Russian chess master (former world champion) Arkady Balagan who, after his fiancee is murdered (pre-episode 1), becomes agoraphobic. However, he's living in an insanely classy hotel in Vancouver, and any time he wants to leave, he gets these crazy PTSD-style flashbacks of the day his fiancee was killed (right outside the hotel! WTF HOTEL, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CLASSY).

This is actually a point in the show's favor - I think that they do an excellent job of portraying what a panic attack really feels like (and as someone who had her first panic attack at 12, I think I know what they feel like).  Arkady also does an excellent job of trying to overcompensate for his new-found PTSD with excessive bravado and exerting control over minute details. Hooray! Accurate portrayals of psychological issues that aren't in a serial killer! What!

The other thing I'm really into about this show is the ragtag crew that band together to solve crimes. They include: a PhD student studying game theory, who runs errands (CRIME-SOLVING ERRANDS!) for Arkady in exchange for one-on-one chess matches, and who is sort of sweet in his clueless Ivy-tower-type privilege; a maid in the hotel (who is played by professional badass/Chilean expat Carmen Aguirre) who starts out sort of milquetoast in the first episode, giving advice from mother/grandmother perspective, but then develops more and more (and we're on episode three here in the US) into a clever, witty baller who is the only grandmother character I can think of that I am actively willing to have a dramatic romantic subplot; a pretty bartendrix who wields her bartending-social-skills like some sort of insane superpower; a blogger/activist/documentary filmmaker, the sister of Arkady's deceased fiancee, who focuses her efforts on finding out who killed her sister; and finally, an ex-FBI agent who now runs the hotel's security (whom you may remember as Ken Tanaka, if you watch Glee).

Did any of you notice that? That's right, Canada. You get your diversity on. I love you.

Another thing that I really like, and I'm not entirely sure why, is that Arkady gets into crime-solving for the money. His inability to leave the hotel keeps him from earning money in the traditional chess-grand-master way, which is apparently touring eastern Europe on autographing-tours or something, but the hotel he lives in/cannot leave is incredibly expensive, and he's a self-important jerk who refuses to move out of his enormous suite. He's also generally drunk. I love a good anti-hero, guys. I love it.

Basically, he sits in his resplendent hotel, shoeless, as you do when you are eccentric, sending his pawns out on strategic missions --

Oh, I see what you did there, Canada. Very nice. Chess grand master sends out minions on strategy missions. I'm picking up what you're putting down.

Anyway this show is pretty great, and you should watch it.

new favorite thing

So there's this girl with a youtube channel, Laci Green, who is awesome and amazing and I kiiiiiiiind of want to have all her babies, because she talks about sex in such an interesting, fact-based, unemotional, hilarious way.

To wit:

Add her on any one of her many social platforms, tell everyone you know, be impressed, fall mildly in love.

IT IS A CYCLE THAT BENEFITS EVERYBODY IS WHAT I AM SAYING.

(to clarify what I mean by "unemotional": she talks about sex as a bodily function, and something that can be pleasurable, and something that should be talked about - but not necessarily in the paradigm that a lot of us are taught as kids, i.e., "When a man and a woman are in love and get married...." etc.)

sh*t ___ say _____

Okay, so this has to be my favorite meme of all time.

A random sampling of these videos (now behind the jump, because I got a TIIIINY bit carried away), just in case you managed to miss the internet for the last week or two:

things you should be reading, end of the year edition

I actually have a Google docs spreadsheet that lists all the movies I need to get around to seeing, which is not as detailed as this list of movies you should've seen in 2011, but does include several of these. BAM. I win at pop culture. Because... well, because I just said I did. If it's on the internet, it's true.

I don't think this actually happened, but it would be amazing if it had.

Yes, it is super twee, but that doesn't stop it from being adorable: Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel being TOTAL BESTIES LOL and making music together.

Do you need a new job? Are you the biggest nerd ever? Well then, you should know that Stephen Hawking is looking for an assistant. Are you listening, fictional kid from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close? Dream job ahoy!

I love Overheard in New York, and especially the ones that include kids. I'm not sure if it's that people talk about weirder things in New York, or if it's just that we all feel like the entire city is our apartment, or if we're all just used to the near-anonymity of living on a relatively small island with a few million people - but the quotes on that site are very often hilarious.

Everyone is loving Doctor Who right now! Even the Bloggess! I am not sure if I'm just obsessed with her (I am) or what, but this totally makes my day.

"Pro-tip: Any bit of advice that starts off with “I hope this advice doesn’t sound rapey” is advice you SHOULD NOT FOLLOW." - ManBoobz, excellent, always.

This has been making its way around the internet (or at least, the feminist-genderqueer internet that I personally inhabit, but, tomato tomato, you know what I mean?) but just in case you haven't read it yet, it is a really excellent post about how to deal with talking to kids about gender. Man, gender! Why you gotta be all full of constructs, ruining everything for everybody? Sheeeesh.

A good friend of mine recently started a blog, which is sort of a reboot of an earlier blog, except not? I don't know, it's mildly confusing to describe but anyway it's basically her whole coming-out story. Sometimes NSFW content, but a very interesting perspective, as she was married to a man and near/at 30 when she finally realized that she wasn't really into male-identified persons. Also, it is pretty juicy, and feels like you're finding out all the good gossip, which I personally love.

There is plenty of stigma surrounding mental/behavioral health issues for most people anyway, but those problems are more pronounced in the black community. This (this meaning "the Siwe Project") is a really important step in the mental health world, and you should keep an eye on it.

Oh, also, if you're into music and queer-ity, this podcast/mixtape site dedicated to queer music may be the place for you! Semantics question: is it still a mixtape if it's a podcast?

Yayyyyyyy reading things! I'm hoping to get my first TV thing put up by the end of the day, so, you know, WATCH OUT FOR THAT.

the girl with the thing like a lizard

So, on Sunday night, when I met with my best friend at our favorite bar, we got into a spirited debate about the choice for the new Lisbeth Salander, Rooney Mara.

Jacks said she was too pretty and too delicate, and that something she had really appreciated about Noomi Rapace was that the woman is all muscles.

"She's practically a square! Of pure muscle!" cried J.

"They aren't that physically different!" cried I. "And besides, Rooney Mara looks grittier in her Lisbeth getup than Noomi Rapace did."

[Also, has anyone else noticed that both of those names are AMAZING? And should always be said as full names, preferably in the same sentence?

I digress.]

Jacks countered by saying that she thought Rooney Mara looked "too pretty and feminine."

Cut to gchat this morning:

9:54 AM on Tuesday

 jacqueline:  ughh it's starting to get so cold

 me:  why are you not rectifying this coffee-in-lap situation

with, like, towels

 jacqueline:  i did

 me:  http://dailybunny.org/post/14510484719

 Sent at 9:56 AM on Tuesday

 jacqueline: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 me:  right?!?!

oh, also, i saw another trailer for girl with the dragon tattoo last night, and you were right, she is sticks

i hadn't seen the bit where she's like, hunched over and wet before

 jacqueline:  hahaha

i dunno, i saw a trailer, she is less prettied up than i'd thought

 me:  hahahah!

love it

also, i think a big part of what made lisbeth so like, controversial as a character, is that she is a female who talks bluntly and openly about sex

that is disturbing to people

like, she talks about sex without being sexy about it

 Sent at 10:00 AM on Tuesday

 jacqueline:  hahaha

that is disturbing

and will lead to the downfall of our society and ladies having lots of sex, which they should not do. because of god.

 Sent at 10:02 AM on Tuesday

 me:  FACT

We are both straight-up terrible at maintaining our opinions. And at linear conversations. And at not using "like."

Okay, so the "like" thing is all me. Hmm.

things for you to read: extended edition

First, in totally depressing things that are depressing, there's this article that makes it super obvious why more survivors of rape and sexual assault don't come forward. I strongly urge you to read it and pass it around, especially because of the part where juries in sexual assault cases are generally not open to persons who have been personally affected by sexual assault (which I assume includes close friends or family members of survivors). People need to talk about this! People need to stop victim-blaming! Juries need to convict actual sex offenders instead of putting fifteen-year-olds who had emotionally-but-not-legally-consensual-sex (in many states in the US, the legal age of consent is 16) on registered sex offender lists for life. In that vein, there's also this amazing article from Salon about how the well-meaning advice on how to avoid getting raped is, well, completely stupid and useless. During the entire course of my abusive relationship, I had zero alcohol (I didn't even try sips of my parents' wine at dinner until I was in college), I wore lots of layers in a weird proto-hipster style, I had a curfew, and none of that stopped my abuser from being an abuser. I had nothing to do with what he did.

Okay, angry survivor rant over.

Next on the list: a young Joan Rivers doing stand-up on some sort of bizarre variety show thing.

I don't know if you read the "If I Were a Poor Black Kid" article - I got about halfway through before I quit reading in disgust - but even if you didn't, the responses outlined in this article are an interesting and worthwhile read.

Ryan North jumps on the holiday bandwagon, albeit in a very cynical (and enjoyable) way.

I can't remember if I've linked to ManBoobz before, but it's great for when you need a little ragercise in your day. This old Maxim article, in particular, was a great workout for my anger-glutes.

One of my good friends linked me to The Bloggess, who is hilarious and awesome and whose other blogs I haven't gotten to yet because there is already a lot to read just on this one - anyway, if this story of taxidermy doesn't make you want to read the whole thing, I don't understand you.

Businessweek's awesome correlation =/= causation graphs will hopefully make you laugh, if you are a nerd like me, or if you just appreciate how ridiculous things are sometimes.

I always love MentalFloss, and this Real or Onion? quiz was crazy difficult, and sort of hilarious.

This video will probably make you dizzy.

Whitewashing! Yayyyy (and by "yayyyy" I mean "uuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh") !!!

Finally, the best gift for any holiday, that just keeps on giving.

(But actually, if you're looking for a holiday gift for someone who really doesn't need anything, maybe consider sponsoring something in their name for someone who does need something?)

les deux en deux

So we're on episode two of the fairy tales.


Well, now we're on like three or four or something. I'm sorry. I fell behind. Things got in the way. Life happens, my friends, and when it happens it happens all over the everything.


Once Upon a Time is really picking up. I'm really pleased with it. I still wish there was more diversity, but as far as having complex, well-written characters and strong females, I am pretty pleased.


My notes on episode two include:

• thinking that the mirror that talks to EQ is pretty awesome (played by Giancarlo Esposito, also known as this guy on Breaking Bad, also known as the best damn character on Breaking Bad)
• Maleficent (also known as Pam from True Blood, or Kristin Bauer) is not as awesome as I was hoping - somehow a woman who has been on a sci-fi-ish show for several years has still not mastered the art of acting with invisible/CGI elements, and her fight scene with EQ is just sort of... it is not the best sci fi magical fight scene I've ever seen, is what I'm saying
• EQ is even better than I originally thought, and I originally thought she was a baller. She has a really complicated backstory that has only started to be touched on, and I'm in love with it
• the flashbacks, which had been driving me insane, have become a lot more useful in backstory exposition and are used way more effectively than they were in the past
• the random cop guy is pretty attractive, but is not one of the better rounded characters yet
• Jimminy Cricket, in the enchanted town thing where nobody remembers who they are, is a therapist, which, well, I don't know, I guess I would've expected that? Honestly I was kind of surprised that he showed up at all, as he is a cricket, so, I don't know
• Rumpelstiltskin/Mr. Gold is one of the better villains I've ever seen, and is an excellent example of a character actor getting the sort of role that is really expansive
• WHY DO SHOWS HATE SINGLE MOTHERS? Rawr. Do not approve.
• Ginnifer Goodwin's character's hair grew like two inches between the pilot and the second episode, which in real-world time makes sense, but in TV time, I mean, it was supposed to be like 12 hours later, so, HMM. But her character got a thousand times less annoying in the second episode, because she actually seems to have a personality instead of being like, Oh! The little birdies! 

And this is the point that most irritated me in the entire episode:


EQ has a bit about apples, because of course she does. But the point is, she is all, "Oh, honey crisps are such hardy fruit, and they're badass, and something something THIS IS ME, I AM THIS APPLE, AND I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED," which was pretty okay, but THEN. THEN MY FRIENDS.


SHE HANDS JENNIFER MORRISON A RED DELICIOUS APPLE.


I'm sorry. I cannot accept inaccuracy in fruit naming. That is just nonsense.


In the world of Grimm. Well. I had to stop watching it. Things took a real nosedive. In fact, in my notes, I drew an arrow that went up a little bit and then crashed to the bottom of the page, where it was accompanied by a frowny face. Episode two (after which I gave up) is Goldilocks and the Three Bears, only the Bears are a family descended from a German race of bear-people, and there is a lot that is weird and somewhat racist and definitely some overtones of like, noble savage vs. SAVAGE SAVAGES who are HORRIBLE and BACKWARDS and are TERRORIZING THE COUNTRYSIDE and AUGHGHHGH.


Basically, things just got sort of awful, and weirdly uncomfortable, and they used a didgeridoo for the part where it's like, our SAVAGE TRADITIONS are WEIRD and make you UNCOMFORTABLE because you're WHITE and CIVILIZED (I may be exaggerating a bit, but seriously, that was the vibe of this whole thing), and it REALLY did not help that it was the mother who was "clinging" to the old traditions and the father who was all, "She doesn't know any better, we're not like that, etc." 


So, basically, I just, I'm sorry Grimm. You seemed like you had promise. But now things are weird, and you're making me really uncomfortable with your creepy, vaguely racist and sexist over- or undertones, I'm not sure which. And the burn-victim-as-face-of-evil thing is still making me weirded out.


Plus, there was a completely nonsensical fight scene in which someone rips off someone's arm, and then says, "Whoops," and throws the arm elsewhere, which could've been maybe kind of funny if it seemed like it tied into the plot whatsoever. Yeah, yeah, sure, he thought they were supes trying to kill the old lady, but like, that was not in any way clear.


Basically, guys, what I'm saying is, I am completely reversing my decision from the pilot. If you have room for just one more show in your fall TV schedule, make it Once Upon a Time. If you have room for two, don't make the second one Grimm. Hell, if you have room for ten, I can give you any number of suggestions of things that will be a better use of your precious TV time than Grimm. 


/sigh. I had such hopes. I was so young and naive. Oh well.

pilot vs. pilot!

So, if you're in the US, or follow US television obsessively, you may have noticed a sudden burst in the popularity of reinventing the wheel fairy tale. As pretty much nobody knows, I am something of a connoisseur of fairy tale spinoffs (books like Ella Enchanted and Goose Chase are seriously over-represented in my bookshelf), and as pretty much everyone who knows me knows, I am obsessed with TV. Thus, a perfect storm of my tastes!

The shows in question are Grimm and Once Upon a Time (OUT, haha). I watched the pilots back-to-back, to have the most objective viewing experience (i.e., I did not watch one while feeling sick, and the other immediately after finding a basket of kittens, which would seriously sway my opinions).

Straight away, I have to put this out there: these are not the same. Yes, I realize they're both fairy tale-based, sort of. The protagonists didn't know they were actually fairy tale people, sort of. But that is where their commonalities end.

Grimm is a sort of buddy-cop type thing. You've got your young up-and-coming white detective, the more experienced black detective, and the random werewolf clockmaker. Pretty standard stuff, here.

OUT is kind of a mess. There's this whole parallel reality thing that is 1. confusing and 2. probably not going to last past the first episode, really, because there's this whole thing about the parallel reality thing turning into regular reality and ... whatever, guys, it's sort of really haphazard.

Let's take a look at the central characters, because this is where the main similarity exists. In Grimm, it's Nick Burkhardt (I had to look that up, I don't recall the last name ever getting used), who starts seeing "weird things" (i.e., people's faces turning into monster faces, which, some of them sort of look like burn victims, which makes me feel bad about them being used as "scary" images, but that is neither here nor there) when his darling aunt comes to town to tell him she has barely any time left to live (I think we're supposed to assume she has some form of cancer, because she is bald, but then she gets attacked by a Grim Reaper (no puns happened, which was sorta disappointing in a way) so then she goes into a mysterious coma after having a perfectly lucid conversation with Nick? ...? ???) so he has to take over the family business, which, in this case, is being a fairy-tale-creature-hunter. Only, "they're not fairy tales," blah blah blah, we get it, it's real life. The point is, he's new to this game! He makes ridiculous mistakes that get mocked openly by the werewolf! Yay noob jokes!

The main character in OUT is Emma Swan, a bail bondsperson slash orphan, and it turns out that her parents are Snow White and Prince Charming, because of course they are. She doesn't know this, and learned nothing from her abandoned-by-the-highway babyhood, because at 18 she gets pregnant and gives the kid up for adoption. We know this because he shows up at age 10, on her 28th birthday, to be like, come save my town! You're my mom! I'm crazy! And ten! But he is apparently the only one that knows the truth about the town, except for maybe his adoptive mother, the mayor and non-coincidentally the Evil Queen (a la Snow White).

So, basically, both main characters didn't know they're actually from fairy tales or whatever you want to call it! What! How did that happen?

Now, let's talk Major Fails, because this is important to me.

The main issue I had with Grimm was that it was too earnest. Bear with me a second. I like a show that can go from comedy to drama to scares to whatever else more or less seamlessly - it adds realism, because everybody, even crime scene investigators, needs to laugh sometimes. The problem I had with it here is that every single plot point was SO SERIOUS about what it was doing, with the possible theoretical exception of the werewolf clockmaker, who as of yet is just sort of a regular dude, but the extent to which they are making him a regular dude is sort of weird in and of itself.

But really, there's the CRIME bit, where it's SERIOUS FACES and GRIM DISAPPOINTMENT (again, not a pun) and GRIM WINNING OUT OVER BAD GUYS. Then there's the ILLNESS AND DEATH thing with the aunt, where it's SINISTER and then it's VIOLENT CLASH WITH A LITERAL GRIM REAPER SO DO YOU GET IT, SHE'S BATTLING DEATH, DO YOU GET IT, and then there's the completely soap-operatic twist of MYSTERIOUS COMA. I could see this being a good thing, as nervous TV-ers will sometimes jam-pack the pilot to have the best chance of getting picked up and then CALM THE FRIG DOWN after the first episode; but if Grimm tries to keep it at this pace, I will be exhausted by episode 4.

OUT has about twelve sentences of expository text at the beginning. I mean, literally. It's just white text on a black background, for a good 15-20 seconds. This, on its own, was enough to make me hate the series. I'm sorry, guys, I am, but I just can't deal with a show that automatically assumes it has to spell things out for me, nor with a pilot that seems like it's the original pitch.

In addition to that, which, why does it bother me so much, I really don't know, there was some super non-convincing CGI, which is another of my top 3 pet peeves in TV/movies (1. over-explanatory title cards (sorry, Star Wars); 2. bad CGI; 3. talking animals).

Then, final nail in the coffin - I love Ginnifer Goodwin. I don't know why, but I do. I've watched any number of really, really terrible movies because of her. However, even my love for her cannot abide the character she's playing in this. Seriously? An elementary school teacher who has a technicolor bird friend and takes around flowers at the hospital, all while wearing a sweater set and being just generally so freaking inoffensive it makes you want to punch her? This is like her normal character to the nth degree, bitten by a radioactive spider, hulked out if hulking out involved blushing at cursewords and admonishing parents for not being good enough parents to the poor sensitive kid who's just crazy because he wants LOVE. Honestly, her best moments were when she was actually Snow White, instead of being Snow White Trapped In a Meek Schoolteacher's Body in Maine, and she yells at the Evil Queen and Rumpelstiltskin and screams like a banshee when giving birth but still tries to get up *while in labor* to get her soon-to-be-baby-but-currently-fetus to safety. It's pretty cool.

If I had to pick only one of these shows to watch, I'd probably go with Grimm, because I have a thing for crime procedurals and also because I like a werewolf who says he does pilates. None of the characters are very fleshed out yet, so I can't really say whether I like them or not (with the obvious exception of the werewolf), but I feel like there's potential.

At the same time, though, I feel like I know the characters of OUT better, and am sort of interested to see how they play out, especially the Evil Queen slash Mayor of Storybrooke (I am not kidding) - except that I think I know how she's going to play out, and it makes me not want to watch it. She's a single mother politician, which is AWESOME, except they're pulling something of a "she doesn't love her adopted son!" thing, which is MESSED UP. I get it, she's evil, and who's more evil than someone who doesn't love an orphan, but seriously guys? Do we really need more demonizing of adoptive parents happening on TV right now? (Let's not talk about Glee. Let's just not.) ESPECIALLY a single mother. Come on, guys. That's just. That's just awful. Why are you doing this? It's like OUT is saying LOOK AT THIS, WOMEN CAN'T BE SUCCESSFUL SINGLE MOTHERS, BECAUSE THEY DO NOT LOVE THEIR CHILDREN. Wait, no, it's not LIKE OUT is saying it, it IS what it's saying.

/sigh.

Oh well. At least Playboy Club got cancelled. I'll have to let that slake my feminist angst for the moment.

things to read, if you are bored

Study things: Women tend to take their jobs more seriously than men

Completely true things: Why it's dumb to be in your 20s

Real things: A man talks about his life as an undocumented immigrant

Fun things: Crying baby around Obama? I THINK NOT.

Weird things: Babies poop everywhere (and from my time as a nanny, I know people actually do this, a lot, and it is weird)

Annoying things: Make up your mind, scientists, I like stretching

Friendly things: A girl I know draws comics sometimes, and this one is real funny