my first non-positive review?!!?

So last night, I was SUPPOSED to have a date but that went horribly awry, and then I rage-sauteed some fajitas, and then my roommate needed me to come rescue her from the bodega near the subway because some creeper had followed her off the train, and then she was (understandably) like, I need to watch a movie before I can go to bed so I can feel less grossed and freaked out.

So, thanks to an incredibly deceptively funny and cute trailer, I was like, man! We should watch Save the Date! It's on Amazon Instant! It has Alison Brie AND Lizzy Caplan! And Roman from Party Down! And that guy who is married to Christina Hendricks! It has to be funny/good!

Like, sure, maybe a little awkward but awkward in a good, charming way!

Readers, I trusted this trailer.

Here is a sequence of texts between me and my friend* Abby who was coming over to commiserate about the date not working out:
Me [10:18PM]: If you are interested in an indie romcom we're watching save the date up in hurrrr
Abby [10:18PM]: Oh maaaan
Me [10:19PM]: I knoooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww
Abby [10:20PM]: I'm on my way out at union sq. touch base later.
Me [10:20PM]: Bueno.

That's right, friends. I was lured in by the promise of cute, funny actresses into a world of non-narrative-based emotions. That just kept going. And going.

When Abby got to our apartment, she was like, "What are we watching again?" And I said, "Save the Date, it's like, pre-theatrical release," and my roommate shrieked, "DON'T TELL PEOPLE WE PAID FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO US." She made a very compelling point there.

In so much as there was a story, it was basically that Lizzy Caplan's character (Sarah?) is terrible at relationships, and breaks up with her long-term boyfriend that she had just moved in with because he publicly proposes, which, fair. And then she gets into a relationship-type-thing with this incredibly awkward guy that we all agreed was nice to the point of sociopathy. At about the midpoint of the movie, I turned to my roommate and said, "Wouldn't it be hilarious if this whole thing was actually a psychological thriller because he ends up killing everyone?" Because that's what you get when you have the most milquetoast guy of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Basically, nobody in this movie was likable, kind of at all. I understand the creative challenge of writing complex characters, but you can't make literally all of your characters just boring, insensitive, fight-prone weirdos. At some point, someone has to do something vaguely endearing or likable or at least relatable. You can't just have a bunch of wholly unlikable people parading around onscreen, moving into and out of insanely large apartments and apparently getting to do art shows with their weirdo cartoon sketches because their career in library science fell through (I AM NOT KIDDING. ACTUAL PLOT POINT).

I mean, there were some decent jokes/humorous moments, and I think I briefly felt sympathetic for Sarah when she lost her cat, but overall this was a waste of the approximately $3 per person it cost to watch it. If you're going to put yourself through this, wait for it to go to Netflix or your local RedBox. It is not worth more than a dollar of unique investment.

Other things I could've done with the ten dollars I spent on this movie that would have had a better ROI:
  • bought two $5 scratchcard lottery ticket things
  • gotten some bathroom cleaner
  • gotten my desk cactus a companion plant
  • bought some stamps
  • literally anything else
If you're into mumblecore, you can go see it, I guess. I just. No. Stop. Stop it, mumblecore. You are drunk on purpose all the time.