it's a secret life holiday extravaganza!

To catch you up from where we last left off - everything happened, people are married and/or dead and/or dating other peoples' sponsors, and if you can think it, it has probably happened on the show. Also apparently Leo is married again. Because WHY NOT.

And now, to the absolutely absurdly named Hedy's Happy Holiday House, which I kind of hope involves a murder mystery, but looks like it will be Christmas-themed.

Also, I really thought I had skipped a good deal of episodes, but it turns out that there just hadn't been any episodes.

Oh man. Okay. It's actually Christmas. So apparently Hedy's Happy Holiday House is a toy store that Ricky broke into every Christmas while he was in juvie, apparently with the consent of the owners. And now the Chekhovian gun is the mention of "there's no chance we could be arrested, why would we be arrested? The chances of us being arrested aren't even chances." Written in true Secret Life style, with extensive repetition and awkward sentence structure. Ah yes, my friends, we are back.

Oh god. Guys, it's a caper episode. I can't believe this is happening. We're seriously on a caper. I don't even. I can't.

And now Ricky's foster brother guy is giving his pregnant girlfriend a cross necklace. And she's giving him a little music box mechanism that plays that baseball theme thing.

Oh, dammit. Jack isn't dead. He's just in a coma. And now Grace loves him, because of COURSE she loves him once he's in a coma. She's a sucker for a martyrdom situation. Adrian is fighting with Omar next to a coma patient. Clementine is back. Still named Clementine.

Oh man. Actually this is kind of hilarious. Grace keeps asking Jack questions, and they keep showing comatose Jack. I don't know why this is so funny to me. Maybe I am just a bad person.

OH DIP! CLEMENTINE IS GOING TO HEDY'S HAPPY HOLIDAY HOUSE. THE DRAMA. THE DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Ugh, nevermind, everyone is just going there together.

CAPER CAPER CAPER! They're taking Jack to the toy store. CAAAAAAAAAAPER. POLICE. CAPER. CAPER CAPER POLICE CAPER. And now Clementine's going to make out with the cop. Probably.

Did I mention there's a caper happening?

Good god, this show. Why do I do this to myself? I do this for you, people of the internet. Because for some godawful reason, you keep reading these, just as I keep writing them.

But, I could not finish it. I made it all the way through Liz and Dick. I watched a full ten minutes of 2 Broke Girls on a plane. I have even watched all of Sleepover. Twice. Yet I could not make it through this episode. It made me want to punch myself in the face.

I'm sorry to have failed you.

secret life: half over

Good god. Remember that other time that I took a break from Secret Life and I was like, holy crap, everything ever happened? WELL GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN THE LEDE:

1. Jack is in the hospital because
2. he apparently assisted a prostitute to get away from her pimp
3. at college
4. and Tom and Tammy are sleeping together
5. and Jack is in surgery

...

....

......

WHAT.
WHAT.

I can't even do this anymore. This has gone so beyond insane.

ETA: We've crossed over to full soap opera. Jack died of his pimp injuries. Anne is dating Nora's sponsor. Ben knows Ricky and Amy aren't married. Adrian and Ben both realized that the last time they were in the hospital was when Adrian was giving birth to Mercy. I can't. Guys. I just. How. How. Why.

Just in case you were worried, the dialogue still sounds like it was written for an orientation week program about sex ed. "But Billy, what about condom use in teenagers? I understand teenagers dislike the use of condoms."

WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, SECRET LIFE. WHY.

secret life: in which some crazy kids do some crazy things! hyuck hyuck hyuck.

Ah my friends, my strange friends that are still interested in the goings-on of the Secret Life crew, this week is one of the more irritating weeks. I have a feeling that I'm gonna have to completely cut off the whole Ben-existing thing soon. I'm sorry if anyone is particularly attached to Ben; I find him completely infuriating.

Aha! So it seems Ben got jealous of Adrian and Omar's relationship, and so said something to the school board about a teacher and a student, which technically isn't true, because Adrian graduated right before Omar became a student-teacher. Also, EVERYONE IS AT CHURCH. We get a church episode this week, you guys! Aren't you so pleased?

From the church action, it seems like Amy's dad and Grace's mom are definitely getting hardcore back together - they are in church! Together! Near God! Omar and Adrian are also at church together, though Adrian's dress is more club than chapel. She looks good. Amy is hating everything, per usual, and Ricky's little brother (still can't remember their actual relationship) is playing the organ? He said he'd played one at a baseball game before, which really makes me hope he plays some ballpark music. Like, you know, that one. You know the one. Everybody knows it. If you don't know it, you're not American. Which, to be fair, I think I have a decent number of readers that are not American, so, you know, you might not know it. I can't find it on youtube. But this is similar to what I want to happen:

BAHAHAHAHHA. Adrian just got into a fight with an 8-year old because she said "sex" in church, and he didn't like it, and then she's like, "Oh, like Jesus never had sex." Touche. Probably. There's a lot of foot-washing in the Bible, is all I'm saying.

YESSS. He did it! He played the baseball song. That's fantastic. And dun-dun-DUNNNNN, Jack finally walked in.... WITH MADISON!!!! Then Grace jumped up and said, "WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE," which I'm pretty sure is against church rules, and now she's crying in a bunk bed. Is there any sadder way to cry than in a bunk bed? I don't really think so. That is kind of the worst. Dear Grace, I'm sorry you decided to move out to the guest house and didn't think to take your queen-sized bed from your old bedroom with you. That was foolish.

Also, I feel like they keep switching between saying that Ann, Robbie and Ashley are in Spain or Italy. Maybe they're moving around, but I sorta feel like they just don't remember what's happening in the story. I don't blame them, because this is the most confusing season of Secret Life. Possibly ever.

Also, Kathleen is possibly the neediest person ever in a relationship. George says he feels bad that he didn't let Amy know that they were going to church together, because she's his daughter and he hasn't really bothered to keep her in the loop, and Kathleen is like, BUT I ROASTED THIS GIGANTIC HAM WITH A PINEAPPLE SLICE AND A CHERRY FOR YOU (I'm totally serious, she made the biggest ham, it was bizarre). And then he says he just wants to talk to his daughter, and she's like, WHERE ARE YOU GOING WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Okay, she doesn't actually say that, but, you can see her thinking it. But this is also the woman who got married within like two months of dating her last boyfriend because she felt weird about her kids knowing she was having sex. Not exactly the best at reasoning.

Ricky's dad just said something along the lines of, "Your mother and I always wondered if you would get married."

Dude, seriously. Ricky is 18. This was not a, oh, goodness, you're getting close to thirty! Tick tock! situation, this was a oh no, got a girl pregnant on the first try (secret high five, because, like, nice work, dude, or rather dude's sperm), now three years later we're married, type of situation. Which, really, I don't know that that makes any sense. I don't think it does.

Amy's issues with her mom are getting really confusing. I don't think she really understands them, nor do the writers, and so, my friends, nor do we. Okay. So. God. Shailene Woodley is actually like a pretty amazing actress, and I forget that for a lot of Secret Life, because she mainly just plays Disaffected Teen #2, but in this sort of mini-monologue she's giving to Ricky's mom, she's really getting to me. Which is impressive, considering that the script is still obviously written by Secret Life staff, and there's some cheesy dramatic piano, but - wow, Shailene Woodley, you are acting the shit out of this meager little part you got yourself embroiled in at far too young of an age. I hope this show dies so you can move on to greener pastures, because, man, you are really legitimately talented. Huh.

Ahhhh and we're back to antics. The new pregnant girl (name? HAH. You think they would say someone's name in this show? NOPE.) and Ricky's little brother are flirting in a car again - she keeps saying things like, man, yeah, I hope you don't do anything stupid like kiss me! HAHAHAHA (longing glance). But, despite her being pregnant, they are both like 14 or 15 or something, and they're being adorably naive and sweet to each other about this.

Ben blah blah blah fart. I can't make myself care about Ben. Leo and Camille are still dating, apparently. That's all I can give you for this. Ben is the worst. And now Dylan is on-screen. Guys, I'm sorry. I just can't condone the behaviors of the Secret Life writing staff in allowing these two characters to still be part of the team. I just. I can't. They're awful. Though Dylan can be kind of fun when she's being a sociopath, right now I think they're going with "wahh wahhh I'm Dylan and I can't date Ben because I blamed him for burning the school down wahhhh my life is so hard" and I JUST CANNOT.

Ah, but from the Dylan/her dad scene, we got the crucial piece of information - Ben is the one who accused Omar of "being a pervert," whatever that means. I'm imagining a less well-designed version of the episode of Veronica Mars featuring Adam Scott as possibly-pervy-history-teacher. Probably it was dumb. But, now we know for sure that it was Ben, in a misplaced and idiotic fit of jealous rage (I assume) over Omar's relationship with Adrian. Also, can we just all appreciate how attractive the name Omar is for a second? Look at it. That is an attractive word.

Just so everyone knows, I'm on a myriad of things for a sinus infection. So. There is a chance I might be making weird decisions about word shapes. Just saying.

OH MY GOD DYLAN IS A SOCIOPATH. Her dad was just being like, you need a new boyfriend who fits into this family, you know, like a normal nice human being! You're our only daughter! And so Dylan responds, "I know. I'd hate to see you lose me."

...
...
. . .


She's a lunatic. It's one thing if you yell something like that at your parents when you're fifteen in a moment of teenaged, hormone-addled melodrama ("I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND THEN I'LL GET HIT BY A TRAIN AND DIE AND THEN YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD LET ME GO TO THAT JUSTIN BEIBER CONCERT THEN! YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!"), but she has a completely level-headed expression. A calculating expression, one might say.

So it seems that Ricky and Amy may have made a sex tape. I kind of just want to leave this here. Let you all believe that's what's going on in the show right now. Honestly, it would be a more normal storyline than about 90% of what happens on this stupid show.

Oh, Ben. Ben Ben Ben. You have no idea how friendship works. You can't ask your best female friend, WHOM YOU HAVE SLEPT WITH, to pretend to be your girlfriend, and have her ex-boyfriend, who is your best male friend, pretend to be your girlfriend's boyfriend. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. UGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHFJDKFJSLDKKJFKLSADFNGIULKXC<MHJKELR:<FVNDJJHVJCKLS>ASRM<TGNSFUDIOVJLKS:AS<MDVNJHJIO:KSLDA

I'm sorry, I just got uncontrollably irritated there. Apologies.

CAN SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT IS ON THE DVD. WHY DID I MISS THIS. UGHGHHGHG I NEED TO KNOW IF THEY MADE A SEX TAPE. Oh, lame. Nope. Looks like they just didn't actually get married. So. Fine. Whatever. Totally less exciting.

Jack is emotionally manipulating Grace on purpose. In other news, the sky is blue.

AWW THEY KISSED (preggo and little brother). ADORABLE.

and we're back

So, I realized that I am like five episodes behind on Secret Life. Therefore, I'm skipping ahead to 5.5 - Past History, and maaaaaaaaaaybe will get to the missed episodes in a while. Who can say, really.

So here's what we've missed. Ashley has somehow managed to run away to Spain, despite being a child with no discernible income, to which I say, kudos, because that is insane. Ben and his pyro psycho girlfriend have been investigated for the fire at the school, and it seems like Dylan is totally screwed, which is fair, since she IS the one who set the school on fire. Ricky still wants a wedding and Ann wants to plan it for them, but Amy has some serious attitude about her mom bringing a stranger as her date to the wedding, which makes some sense, but Ricky thinks that Amy is just a homophobic douche trying to keep her mother from being happy.

There was also some subplot where Grace tried to get Omar fired for made-up harassment charges, which, TV, can we just agree to stop with the fake-sexual-assault-ruins-man's-life plots, because it doesn't happen that often in real life but if TV were to be believed, it happens every five minutes. Adrian was in the previously-on too, but I didn't catch what her asinine side plot was. Oh, and Grace wants Jack to be more obviously Christian, which, I don't even know how to deal with that, so I won't.

Wait, Mimsy gave Ashley TEN THOUSAND dollars for no reason. Amy got $1,000 and Ricky says they can't keep it because Mimsy has Alzheimer's and apparently Ricky is still the sole moral compass of the show.

There's a new pregnant girl and she's an asshole in the best way, I completely stand behind this decision.

Grace missed out on the REST OF HER LIFE by not going to med camp over the summer. Apparently all the other med campers got into multiple colleges with scholarship options all over the place AND met the surgeon general. Womp womp.

Dylan and Ben are officially over. Yessssssssss.

Amy is apparently the pregnant girl's mentor? How. Why. Hahahahaha, pregnant girl is flirting with Ricky's little brother, who I can't remember, is he his biological brother or were they just placed together in a home?

Ricky just ran into a fellow foster kid in college, because he's in college now. Apparently he had a biiiiiiiiiig crush on her because he's being super weird about seeing her. Her name is Clementine, btw. Juuuuuust so you know.

Oh my god, everyone is at the same college. It's Boy Meets World all over again. Godddddddd.

Hahahaha, the football coaches just called the getting-Jack-to-say-he's-Christian thing "Operation Tebow." So Grace is in cahoots with the coaches? This just got insanely convoluted.

The kids are getting all the weddings. Apparently Ricky's foster mom is having elephants at her wedding, so she wins.

Oh, wait, I think Ben is the one who accused Omar of being a creep. Great.

Oh god. Ohhhhhh god. Apparently we missed a flash mob, guys. And we missed Madison GOING BLONDE. Not the best choice. I never support redheads abandoning their color. I know, I know, it's her head. Sigh.

Madison and Lauren are discussing a wedding, and Lauren is once again the voice of maturity and reason. Sigh. There are really only two reasonable people on this show. Ricky and Lauren. They should run away. Not together. Just. Away.

So it looks like Amy's money is going to get stolen. They showed her putting her purse in her locker with far too close of framing for it to not get stolen.

Ann went to Italy with Robbie? What the hell is happening? I'm so sorry, Secret Life. I'll never abandon you again. Too much has happened.

Oh George. I love him in such a weird way. Somehow he manages to be a very relatable character.

Oooooooh, new pregnant girl is giving her kid up for adoption, which turned into a weird little speech from Amy about how everyone should be able to choose whether they keep or adopt-out their baby, which seemed like a don't-have-an-abortion speech? I really can't figure out how this show wants to deal with abortion.

Henry is trying to justify burning down the school? This is weird.

Hah, oh, Leo. Thank you for asking Ben how the hell he managed to just kinda accidentally sleep with Alice, because I know that that was my number one question.

People are doing all kinds of sexy home decorating in this episode.

Jack is giving Grace a relationship ultimatum, even though they aren't dating? He said he loved her but couldn't be with her unless they were having sex. Okay.

Ricky had Amy's purse all along! Oh, hijinks. Hyuck hyuck hyuck.

The pregnant girl and Ricky's little brother are dating? Or something.

Anyway, I don't have a moral for this episode, except maybe kids shouldn't be allowed to date, ever. I was going to say "in high school, because I certainly made poor choices then," but then I realized I haven't exactly switched to good decisions at any point. So. Don't date anyone, ever. That is the moral of Secret Life.

secret life: THE ELOPEMENT?!?!?!?!

First and foremost, screw you, Secret Life/ABC Family. Since when is Secret Life a web-only show? This is the worst. My commentary will be much less dense this episode, because I have to both watch and comment on my laptop. This is balls.

Plus, I can't really see what I'm typing, so I'm actually going to have to proofread this. UGHHHH MY LIFE IS SO HARD #evenwhinierthanfirstworldproblemsholyshit

Okay. So. We last left our friends in a giant lesbian pileup. Oh, and Ashley's boyfriend, who I totally forgot about, came back? I thought she traveled cross-country with someone else... or did she? I don't know.

So, in the new episode, it appears that Ricky and Amy just got married... AT STONEWALL CHAPEL. Is this an intentional continuation of the gay theme from last week? In any event, Amy picked a really cute dress, that very much goes with her style. And now they're doing a montage and OH MY GOD THEY WERE SO LITTLE. THEY WERE SO TINY WHEN THIS SHOW STARTED. Amy looks like she's aged like seven years instead of four or whatever. And they're playing my favorite Bruno Mars song, i.e., "Marry You," which was covered on Glee, and which will be my proposal song in the future (this is a heads up to any people I may date in the future? If I start playing this song and you are unprepared for marriage, run away).

Secret marriage! I'm glad they got married. I want them to be happy. It's stupid, because this show is stupid, but I really want Amy and Ricky to be happy together. Mainly because I want Shailene Woodley to be okay.

Ann cut her hair I think, between the last episode and this one, and I dislike the change. Or maybe she just sort of flipped her hair different or something? I don't know. She's also paranoid that her family doesn't love her anymore, because she came out. I think that's fair, because it's difficult enough to come out, let alone after you've been married to man for like 17 years and had three babies, two of which were unplanned. I think Ashley was planned, anyway.

WOOOOO ADRIAN GRADUATED!!! WOOOOOO. She's being really weird about getting her diploma. I didn't get either of my diplomas during the actual ceremonies - I had to pick up my high school diploma in the food services area behind the gym where we had the ceremony, and I didn't get my college diploma until, I think, six months after I graduated, which was like eight months after the actual ceremony. And apparently Omar (Adrian's new flame who dumped her because she kissed Grace twice) is going to be student-teaching at the school. Why can't people go any further than like thirty seconds away from this school, I don't even know.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Adrian just opened her locker and there was a picture of Omar, which she pulled off, to reveal a picture of her and Ben, which she pulled off to reveal a picture of Ricky. She didn't even bother to remove her exes from her locker! She just layered on top of them. What a weirdo. Slash non-human. That's not a thing I think I have ever heard of anyone doing.

GAHHHHHH AND NOW IT'S THAT REALLY UPSETTING COMMERCIAL OF THAT TODDLER THAT GETS LOST IN THE AIRPORT THAT IS AN ANTISMOKING COMMERCIAL, GOD I HATE IT IT IS SO SAD.

Okay, and we're back, to Ricky and Amy are at a hotel for their honeymoon, and there is a very friendly hotel manager who just upgraded them to the honeymoon suite fo' free! Delightful.

Ughhhhhh also trying to write this at the same time as watching it is making the video lag, so I'm going to have to report back during commercial breaks instead of doing a live stream-of-consciousness reaction. Did you guys even realize that is how I do all my Secret Life stuff? Well it is.

OH DIP GRACE IS FRIEND-DUMPING ADRIAN. IT JUST GOT REAL UP IN HERE. RULLY RULL, GUYS.

Grace completely dumped Adrian. That was pretty harsh. She's kind of a dick.

Ashley's forgotten boyfriend is pretty funny. I wish I had any idea what his name is. Also, how is Ricky's absentee mother the only person who can figure out that Amy and Ricky ran off to get married? She wasn't even around for like 90% of his life. Seriously.

Oh, and Ben's still an asshole. Anyone surprised? If you're surprised, you haven't been paying attention.

UGHGHHGHGHGHHG Grace is convinced her life sucks because she's been having sex slash has been a "sinner." Seriously Grace? We're back here? You are a one-storyline pony. Your life doesn't suck because you had sex, your life sucks because you're being a selfish, jealous bitch who wants everyone else's lives to revolve around you. WHY DO PEOPLE IN TV SHOWS NOT LISTEN TO MY SAGE ADVICE THAT I GIVE THEM. WHY.

Best line of this entire series:
George walks into Ashley's room, where she has (presumably) just been doing it with Toby (forgotten boyfriend! They finally mentioned his name, thank goodness, that was getting so awkward), says something and then turns on the light -
"What are you doing in bed so early? WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE TWO EXTRA FEET????"

That is a really valid question, George. I support you in that line of questioning. Why DOES your weirdly macabre child have two extra feet? I'm going to guess experimentation in extreme body modification. Too bad Toby already said something. Dummy. Ashley could've totally pulled off that lie. She is a champion liar. She is the best, of all the liars. < / ashley fawning >

Finally (probably), Dylan is seriously the anti-Christ. She is a physical manifestation of Rich White Privilege Gone Horribly Wrong - "Even if we did [cause that fire], our dads will take care of it!" - and she is seriously insane. Ben is finally making a smart choice in breaking up with her, though breaking up with her in a secluded location is seriously dumb. I have a feeling she would totally murder him if this were a different kind of show.

OH MY GOD SHE IS HOSTAGE-ING HIM INTO STAYING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. OH MY GOD. SHE REALLY IS THAT CRAZY. Also, FINALLY, Secret Life, a plotline I can get behind! Crazy girl burns down school (POSSIBLY INTENTIONALLY), forces boyfriend to not break up with her in exchange for her not blowing his cover in being involved in school burning down. This is just the sort of soap-opera-esque writing that I really wanted you to explore, Secret Life. You're really bringing it. Go down swinging. If we are nearing the end... Not clear on that. It may end up being not unlike Boy Meets World or Saved By the Bell, with all of them going to the same college (HOW CONVENIENT) and Mr. Feeny coming along for the ride, finally getting that tenured position and girlfriend! You go, Mr. Feeny.

i'm sick, so i'm finally updating

Oh, everybody. I have some advice for you. Never get sinus surgery. I don't care how much your ENT pushes it when you're in the third month of your sinus infection. You will have sinus infections FOREVER AFTER. Also I think I may be getting pinkeye. This is what happens when your sinuses get messed up, people. It's disgusting.

ANYWAY. I figured since I'm home, trying to aspirate my nose and get antibiotics from my doctor, I'd finally update this ish. (Also, my therapist gave me some great life advice yesterday, so I'm feeling a lot better about my life.)

I was going to write about Awake, but you know what, I'm watching Secret Life. I'm sick. Leave me alone.

So, in the latest episode of the Secret Life, Grace thinks she's gay, and her mom just used the exact same line on her that someone used on me - "I really hope you're not gay, because it's a lot harder than being straight. Especially in high school!" But then Grace comes back with a possibly more ridiculous line - "It's not harder, it's way cooler to be gay. I didn't know I was this cool."

Oh, Secret Life, with your weird, twisted messages on literally everything. Why can't I quit you.

Okay, so, Ann's really gay. She's totally cool with being gay now. When did this happen. I guess this is what happens when you go to France? Take a trip to France, become okay with your being a lesbian?

Oh, Ricky! You're so dreamy with your open acceptance of sexual identities!

Oh, Amy. You're so awful, with your trying to force your mother back into her bad marriage and telling her she's not gay. You're awful.

Also, seriously, the fourth of July is not a gay holiday. Holidays can't be gay, because they aren't people. Things that can be gay: none, because things aren't people. Why is this a hard concept? I mean, I guess animals can be gay? Maybe? I mean, animals can have same-sex sex. I don't know if animals have romantic relationships. This gets weirdly into a lot of questions about the queer spectrum.

Honestly, Amy is kind of the worst. She's really being a douche about this. And Ricky is cementing his place as the greatest person on this show, even further. I find it kind of hilarious that they started out being like, BAD BOY RICKY, but then everything they've done since then has just been like, oh wait, you wanted a cast of sympathetic characters? TOO BAD YOU ONLY GET RICKY.

Anyway, my point is, Ricky is the only character who seems remotely nice on this show, with any consistency. Other people are sometimes nice, but all Ricky ever did was sleep around, which he did with little regard to peoples' feelings, to be fair. But he has such a rich and well-thought-out backstory, in a way that nobody else does. Literally nobody else. It's like, everyone else is a caricature of whatever character they'd be, but Ricky is complicated-ish.

Man. They are really making this whole thing really awkward and bad. Dealing with sexuality is a big deal, and you're just sort of hitting it with a baseball bat, Secret Life. Guh.

Or, okay. Nevermind, because Ann's speech is pretty good. Fine. Ann's speech is pretty good, and Ricky is articulating all the correct things about how to deal when someone comes out to you. And, okay, so George was weirdly nice about that whole thing. So I guess it's just Amy being a dick. Ughhhhh Amyyyyyyyy. I'm not surprised that you're being a douche, because you are often a douche, but you had such a good stretch in there of not being a douche.

Oh man, I'm so glad Ashley's back. I love her. She's so acerbic. She's the Jenny of this show. Except better, because she has better hair than Jenny. I am, of course, referring to Miss Jennifer Schecter, of the L Word.

Also, this show is turning into the L Word of high school teen pregnancy shows. Not even kidding. They're running so hard with lesbians right now.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD, BEN AND DYLAN BURNED DOWN A SCHOOL. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Okay, um, was there a jump cut I missed? Alice and Ben just did it? Um. What? That came out of nowhere. This is ridiculous. This is seriously the most ridiculous show I have ever watched. People sleep together with seemingly no discretion. Pairings happen all over the place and largely at random.

OH MY GOD. Grace just put on some temporary tattoos and put on a baseball hat and is wearing combat boots and says that she's trying out what she'd look like as a lesbian. Wow. Things. Lord.

Ah, okay. I'm getting more on board with this episode. They have a lesbian student show up and tell off Adrian for using kissing a girl as a way to get attention. So that seems okay. And maybe Adrian and random lesbian student are going to start a GSA? Even though their school seems a lot like my high school, where everyone knows everyone else's business but nobody really cares either way.

When I was a sophomore, this gay senior boy and I decided we wanted to start a GSA at our school, so we visited a GSA at a nearby high school to talk to them about how they started their group. We asked why they had started their group, and the boy in charge told us about his car getting egged, and people writing slurs on his locker, and how some other boys tried to jump him in the parking lot after a game once. The boy from my high school and I didn't look at each other the entire time we were talking to the other high school kids. We left and got in his car and sat silently for a few minutes, because the main reason he and I wanted to start a GSA was so we could find people to date. We both felt like colossal assholes.

Though, to be fair, neither of us ended up dating anyone of the same sex in high school, which was sad. But his main crush came out during college, and all of my girl crushes from high school are now married, more or less. So.

SO ANYWAY, to conclude this weird rambly post about Secret Life - being a QUILTBAG person in high school can be pretty lame, and I think that, in the end, they did an okay job of meshing together intolerant attitudes and positive responses, and had some legit talk from some of the QUILTBAGs.

PS, I'm officially declaring QUILTBAGs a thing. It's a thing now.

I dunno. Sometimes I feel like this show does as much harm as it does good. For example, Kathleen's saying to Grace that her life would be easier if she was straight? Maybe I'm just taking that more personally because I got told that when I was fifteen and a little fledgling coming-outer. But I tried really hard to be straight because of that, and I kind of ended up being really mean to a lot of guys. And I stayed incredibly afraid of a lot of women. And honestly, everyone should've pushed me towards the ladies. I MAYBE had a date on Sunday and I cleaned my entire apartment twice. Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh.

Anyway, I don't know how this post got so long. I'm not really focusing. Because I can't really breathe through my face. So. Huzzah. Probably don't watch Secret Life if you can avoid it, because you'll end up watching the whole damn thing. You won't want to. You'll wonder why you're doing it. But it won't matter. You'll watch it all, and you'll wonder why you know all the details.

secret life of the american teenager: the WTF!?!??!?!? edition

So, watching Secret Life, like I do, laughing about how they're working in someone retelling their plotline (Ben wants to date the pothead, and thus lots of overexplanatory speeches have happened about the last few years of his and his father's lives), laughing at another absurd Grace plotline (Grace's dad was going off to Africa because HE HAD A SECRET FAMILY IN AFRICA, WTF), when the following happens:

Grace calls Jack and says, "Wanna have sex?" Jack immediately sprints out of his room, shows up at Grace's in like no time, she's like, "Oh I changed my mind," banter banter banter, AND THEN:

Jack: "Confusion is good sometimes."
Grace: "Sometimes? Like when?"
Jack: "Like when you're trying to get a girl into bed?"

HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE, SECRET LIFE. WHAT THE HELL. WHAT THE HELL.

Things that are good when trying to get someone into bed:
- Open dialogues
- Active and informed consent
- Enthusiasm
- Not using the phrase "trying to get [x] into bed" to their face

Things that are NOT good (or, more colloquially, BAD) when trying to get someone into bed:
- Non-consent
- Reluctance
- Confusion

WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FAMILY PROGRAMMING, SECRET LIFE?!?!??!

Seriously though, I don't really like you taking the weirdest, most stalkery and obsessive character, who tells random girls that he loves them so that they'll sleep with him, AND THEN HAVING HIM SAY A TOTALLY CREEPY LINE.

I seriously paused the TV, said, "WOAH, SECRET LIFE! WOAH! WOAH! WHAT THE HELL! WOAH!" and ran to get my laptop to write this because I can't even deal with how WTF that whole thing was.

Wait, let's see how Grace responds, because I cut her off in my "WOAH WOAH WTF WOAH" freakout - pressing play -

Grace (shaking hands with Jack): "Maybe we can be friends, but I don't know if that's possible!"
Jack: "Maybe, but I will always want to have sex with you."
Grace: (Epic eyeroll)

Hmm. Not exactly the WOAH WOAH WTF WOAH WHAT WOAH moment I would've liked. By which I mean, I'm not sure why Grace didn't throw his creepy rape-speak-ing ass out the kitchen door.

Holy crap, guys. What in the hell. What in the love of family programming involving incredibly poor family planning.

Oh yeah, and Amy's late. Again. Amy. Oh, Amy. Jesus, Amy. Stop having unplanned babies. Welp, one-third of teen moms get pregnant again in short order. At least she's telling Ricky. That's like a step in the right direction. Maybe. Oh wait, no she's not, she's just being mysterious and crying for no clear reason. Maybe they will finally really deal with abortion on this show that has had like fifteen unplanned pregnancies. Maybe that will be a thing.

HAHAHAHAHA LIKE THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

Why do I watch this? What is my deal?

Also there is no such thing as a box of condoms that is just blue with CONDOMS in big white letters that stretch across the whole thing. The entire point of condom packaging is that it's mildly discreet.

Anyway. That's my rant of the day. Based on a show that a lot of teenagers are watching. That's great. That's awesome. That's what teenagers need to see, an obsessive stalker getting a shot at a girl he's stalking. Yay. And a million pregnancies. All the babies. Jesus.



UPDATE FROM END OF EPISODE: Amy's not preggo. She was just late. And they had stopped using condoms. Dude. Dude. You'd think someone who got PREGNANT THE FIRST TIME SHE EVER HAD SEX would be a little less cavalier about birth control methods. 

the secret life of the american teenager is back!

HAHAHA AND NOBODY CARES BUT ME AND ALL THE SIXTEEN-YEAR OLDS WHO DON'T GET MTV. LOL.

This show is amazing. I'm going to try to recap what's happening with all the characters for you.

Okay, so guys. So Lauren was dating Jesse, but then Jesse slept with Madison at the grad night party! And Henry and Alice were together FOREVER LOLZ but then they broke up and Henry slept with Adrienne at the grad night party! LOL I can't believe I missed that party guys, it looked so great and I mean literally everybody went! And so many people were DOING IT!!!!! And also Adrienne's new guy, who's the older brother of the guy she used to be dating before he left to go backpacking in Europe? But he didn't tell her? So instead she just dated his brother? LOL So anyways her new guy saw his ex at the party, who turns out to be Ben's new girlfriend's best friend! OMG! AND Grace and Jack kissed AGAIN, which is so stupid because Grace's new boyfriend was in COLLEGE and she's going back with JACK? He's such a weenis. So Amy and Ricky are engaged but Amy doesn't want to get married yet because, DUH, she's still in high school! So Ricky's mad because he thinks Amy only wanted the ring, which, no doi, obvi she did, but it's not like she could've said that BEFORE but now she can wave it in Adrienne's FACE because AMY WON.

Oh my god. I can't believe I'm retaining all of this information. What is getting pushed out of my brain so that I can remember who Grace is dating? (Seriously though, the question of Who Is Grace Dating is a really serious one, because she was supposed to be the Good Christian Girl who was going to wait until she was married, but then she had sex with Jack, and then her dad died, and she thought it was her fault for having sex, and that was a major plot point for like an entire season, and that was ridiculous, and now she's had sex with like five guys but she keeps saying that she's "in love" with all of them, which is just silly, because she's only been with any of them for like twenty minutes apiece.)

OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING WHY DO I KNOW ALL OF THIS AUHGHH

Okay, well, I need to go watch the most recent episode, because I need to know that Amy and Ricky are okay. I just need to know that. They've been through SO MUCH. I just. I just want them to be happy.

Also, that big paragraph with all the LOLs and OMGs and CAPS LOCK? That's maaaaaaaybe two episodes' worth of content. This show has been on for FOUR SEASONS AND I HAVE WATCHED ALL OF THEM.

Someone save me from myself. Right after this episode. Or, I mean, after this season, I really need to know where Adrienne's going to college.