secret life: THE ELOPEMENT?!?!?!?!

First and foremost, screw you, Secret Life/ABC Family. Since when is Secret Life a web-only show? This is the worst. My commentary will be much less dense this episode, because I have to both watch and comment on my laptop. This is balls.

Plus, I can't really see what I'm typing, so I'm actually going to have to proofread this. UGHHHH MY LIFE IS SO HARD #evenwhinierthanfirstworldproblemsholyshit

Okay. So. We last left our friends in a giant lesbian pileup. Oh, and Ashley's boyfriend, who I totally forgot about, came back? I thought she traveled cross-country with someone else... or did she? I don't know.

So, in the new episode, it appears that Ricky and Amy just got married... AT STONEWALL CHAPEL. Is this an intentional continuation of the gay theme from last week? In any event, Amy picked a really cute dress, that very much goes with her style. And now they're doing a montage and OH MY GOD THEY WERE SO LITTLE. THEY WERE SO TINY WHEN THIS SHOW STARTED. Amy looks like she's aged like seven years instead of four or whatever. And they're playing my favorite Bruno Mars song, i.e., "Marry You," which was covered on Glee, and which will be my proposal song in the future (this is a heads up to any people I may date in the future? If I start playing this song and you are unprepared for marriage, run away).

Secret marriage! I'm glad they got married. I want them to be happy. It's stupid, because this show is stupid, but I really want Amy and Ricky to be happy together. Mainly because I want Shailene Woodley to be okay.

Ann cut her hair I think, between the last episode and this one, and I dislike the change. Or maybe she just sort of flipped her hair different or something? I don't know. She's also paranoid that her family doesn't love her anymore, because she came out. I think that's fair, because it's difficult enough to come out, let alone after you've been married to man for like 17 years and had three babies, two of which were unplanned. I think Ashley was planned, anyway.

WOOOOO ADRIAN GRADUATED!!! WOOOOOO. She's being really weird about getting her diploma. I didn't get either of my diplomas during the actual ceremonies - I had to pick up my high school diploma in the food services area behind the gym where we had the ceremony, and I didn't get my college diploma until, I think, six months after I graduated, which was like eight months after the actual ceremony. And apparently Omar (Adrian's new flame who dumped her because she kissed Grace twice) is going to be student-teaching at the school. Why can't people go any further than like thirty seconds away from this school, I don't even know.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. Adrian just opened her locker and there was a picture of Omar, which she pulled off, to reveal a picture of her and Ben, which she pulled off to reveal a picture of Ricky. She didn't even bother to remove her exes from her locker! She just layered on top of them. What a weirdo. Slash non-human. That's not a thing I think I have ever heard of anyone doing.


Okay, and we're back, to Ricky and Amy are at a hotel for their honeymoon, and there is a very friendly hotel manager who just upgraded them to the honeymoon suite fo' free! Delightful.

Ughhhhhh also trying to write this at the same time as watching it is making the video lag, so I'm going to have to report back during commercial breaks instead of doing a live stream-of-consciousness reaction. Did you guys even realize that is how I do all my Secret Life stuff? Well it is.


Grace completely dumped Adrian. That was pretty harsh. She's kind of a dick.

Ashley's forgotten boyfriend is pretty funny. I wish I had any idea what his name is. Also, how is Ricky's absentee mother the only person who can figure out that Amy and Ricky ran off to get married? She wasn't even around for like 90% of his life. Seriously.

Oh, and Ben's still an asshole. Anyone surprised? If you're surprised, you haven't been paying attention.

UGHGHHGHGHGHHG Grace is convinced her life sucks because she's been having sex slash has been a "sinner." Seriously Grace? We're back here? You are a one-storyline pony. Your life doesn't suck because you had sex, your life sucks because you're being a selfish, jealous bitch who wants everyone else's lives to revolve around you. WHY DO PEOPLE IN TV SHOWS NOT LISTEN TO MY SAGE ADVICE THAT I GIVE THEM. WHY.

Best line of this entire series:
George walks into Ashley's room, where she has (presumably) just been doing it with Toby (forgotten boyfriend! They finally mentioned his name, thank goodness, that was getting so awkward), says something and then turns on the light -
"What are you doing in bed so early? WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE TWO EXTRA FEET????"

That is a really valid question, George. I support you in that line of questioning. Why DOES your weirdly macabre child have two extra feet? I'm going to guess experimentation in extreme body modification. Too bad Toby already said something. Dummy. Ashley could've totally pulled off that lie. She is a champion liar. She is the best, of all the liars. < / ashley fawning >

Finally (probably), Dylan is seriously the anti-Christ. She is a physical manifestation of Rich White Privilege Gone Horribly Wrong - "Even if we did [cause that fire], our dads will take care of it!" - and she is seriously insane. Ben is finally making a smart choice in breaking up with her, though breaking up with her in a secluded location is seriously dumb. I have a feeling she would totally murder him if this were a different kind of show.

OH MY GOD SHE IS HOSTAGE-ING HIM INTO STAYING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. OH MY GOD. SHE REALLY IS THAT CRAZY. Also, FINALLY, Secret Life, a plotline I can get behind! Crazy girl burns down school (POSSIBLY INTENTIONALLY), forces boyfriend to not break up with her in exchange for her not blowing his cover in being involved in school burning down. This is just the sort of soap-opera-esque writing that I really wanted you to explore, Secret Life. You're really bringing it. Go down swinging. If we are nearing the end... Not clear on that. It may end up being not unlike Boy Meets World or Saved By the Bell, with all of them going to the same college (HOW CONVENIENT) and Mr. Feeny coming along for the ride, finally getting that tenured position and girlfriend! You go, Mr. Feeny.