the good place, s03e05: the ballad of donkey doug

ICYMI: s3e1 s3e2 s3e3 s3e4

Season 3 reading list:
Nicomachean Ethics - Aristotle
The Republic - Plato
- Writings about Socrates (he didn't write anything himself)
Apology - Plato
Laws - Plato
Phaedo - Plato
Death: The Art of Living - Todd May
- Articles by Pamela Hieronymi (who was an early consultant for the show)
Beyond Good and Evil - Friedrich Nietzsche

You can watch the episode here; everything in this post is from The Good Place.

For actor names, see episode 1 recap. Spoilers spoilers spooooooooooooileerrrssssss

With the newfound knowledge that Janet knows everything in the universe, Eleanor quizzes her about what other people thought of her in high school. ("No way! I thought she was intimidating! That's why I shoved her into that creek.") Chidi has news: he got fired, and he has to break up with Simone so he doesn't accidentally curse her into eternal damnation.

He can't lie, so Eleanor says he should ghost her ("Bonus: anything she left in your apartment now legally belongs to you"), and that she's done it to dozens of people and they all got over it (Janet: "Actually, none of your exes have ever gotten over you." Eleanor: "You're damn right they didn't").

Janet has an idea: she'll create a virtual reality device that'll let Chidi practice the breakup. Also, she can't just appear anymore and so the little "bing" that normally accompanies her appearance isn't there, so she's started saying "bing" instead. She's also very embarrassed at having to walk places.

Chidi and Janet sit on opposite sides of a table, and Eleanor stands off to the side next to Chidi. On the table, there's a mess of computer parts and wires.
Janet has successfully assembled a virtual reality machine that knows "everything about [Chidi's] personality, Simone's personality, and all human relationships. Plus, it has tetris." Eleanor wants to know if the simulator would work for her, Jason Statham, and a room with a futon and a lot of Red Bull. (Janet: "Why is it that every time a new thing is invented, humans immediately try to use it for porn?" Eleanor: "Because we're disgusting.") Janet and Eleanor are able to watch what's happening in the simulation on a monitor, and with that, Chidi puts in the earpieces and is transported to a cafe, where Simone is sitting at a table.

Chidi practices breaking up with Simone a lot of times. Some highlights:

  • Simone: "Who's Janet? And why are you screaming her name into the sky?"
  • Eleanor: "Just tell her that you're gay. [I'm not gay.] Fine, bi. [I'm not bi either.] Why not? More guys should be bi. It's 2018! It's like, get over yourselves."
  • Chidi: "I don't love you anymore. No no, you don't understand. I don't technically love you, in the same way, because of circumstances."
  • Chidi: "I'm dying. We're all dying, slowly, when you think about it. We start dying the moment we're born, so." 
  • Chidi: "My real name is Special Agent Rick Justice, FBI."
  • Chidi asks Simone to marry him, whoops
  • Simone breaks up with him, but "suck it, ya doink!" It's actually Eleanor, playing Simone.
  • Chidi: "We need to break up, but here's a puppy! He's a puppy (it's over between us) and he's cuuuute!"

Chidi is sitting in a cafe, with some people in the background, and he's holding a small, very fluffy white and tan puppy.
tbh not a bad move

  • Eleanor goes in to break up with Simone for Chidi, but, uh...
Eleanor and Simone sit across from each other at a table in a cafe. There are some people and a painting of stripes in the background. Eleanor has her hand on Simone's and they're looking at each other with big smiles on their faces
what is happening? ;D

Fireworks. https://phys.org/news/2017-07-chemist-science-fireworks.html

Chidi pulls Eleanor out of the simulation before any makeouts can occur. Friggin' killjoy. 

Chidi's ready to actually do this thing! (Chidi: "I've analyzed the ten most successful scenarios and compiled the statistically most effective breakup strategy." Eleanor: "Who said you weren't a romantic?" Chidi: "Every girlfriend I've ever had.") He meets up with Simone at French-Pressing Nemo Cafe, but Simone (gasp!) is sitting at a different table than in the simulation! Further, unlike the simulation, they're interrupted over and over by overeager waiters. 

A tall white man with short brown hair and a short white woman with a black bob haircut are standing by Chidi and Simone's table, wearing white t-shirts and yellow aprons. Chidi and Simone sit across a table from each other.
friggin' waiters

Flustered, Chidi abandons his plans ("It's complicated, but it's happening. Ya dumped"). Unsurprisingly, Simone doesn't take it well, and storms off.

Back in the office (which somehow they're still using even though Chidi got fired?), Chidi's panicking that the way he dumped Simone might send her spiraling down a bad path and ultimately into the Bad Place. Eleanor once again gives a successful pep talk. She should consider becoming a public speaker or something, her pep talks pretty much always work, even before she started being a better person. Chidi heads off to talk to Simone, and Eleanor asks if she can use the simulator ("There's a very specific Lenny Kravitz concert I want to be front row at"), and Janet agrees, with a slight caveat ("FYI, when the system boots up, you might find yourself in a steam room with Jason, who will be wearing an old-timey strongman onesie. It's a bug in the system"). 

Chidi sits down with Simone and actually does a good job of calmly, if sadly, going over his feelings. (Simone: "Well, see you in the next life." Chidi: "What?! Why did you say that?! What do you know?!" Simone: "You're so weird, man. I think maybe this is for the best.") 


These three are in Jacksonville! Jason's going to show them all the sights ("like that swamp is where me, Pillboi, and Donkey Doug (Mitch Narito) used to stand and try and blind pilots with laser pointers"), but first, they should get to work on saving Jason's father's soul - Jason's father, of course, is Donkey Doug (Tahani: "The Donkey Doug who is banned from Disney World for biting Buzz Lightyear?" Jason: "In his defense, he thought it was someone else").

Donkey Doug's problem is that he's always on some get-rich-quick scheme, selling counterfeit truck nuts, a sport that "was a cross between dodgeball and horseshoes, and everybody died." Jason doesn't think they can just give him money to make him stop with the schemes, so the plan is to try and get DD to finish getting his electrician's license.

A monster truck drives over a turquoise cab (the wheels of the truck are about as tall as the cab). There's a bus in the background and a person in a reflective yellow vest stands with their back to the camera.
first, they've gotta get a taxi, Jacksonville style
Jason and Donkey Doug. Donkey Doug is Filipino and has long black hair pulled back into a ponytail and a mustache, and is holding a neon green bong that has a giant fake hand around its base.
like father, like son
Jason introduces DD to Michael ("Oh, crap, you look like a cop. Are you a cop? Because if you are, you have to tell me, and you're not allowed to arrest me for anything you saw before I knew you were a cop") and Tahani ("How about you and me go check out my jacuzzi and put stuff in each other? Wow! That's the first time that line has ever failed. You must really love him. Welcome to the family!!").

Pillboi's here because he and DD have an exciting business proposition! ("And this time, it's NOT fake meth.")

Pillboi: "Sharks. How much do you spend on energy drinks and body spray in one week? Three hundred dollars? Ten hundred dollars?"

That's right: their invention is a combination energy drink/body spray.

Donkey Doug and Pillboi. Donkey Doug is holding a bottle with a label that reads "DOUBLE TROUBLE"

Michael: "So, do you spray it on yourself, or do you drink it?"
Pillboi: "You both it!"

(Tahani: "There's an awful lot of dog hair on the furniture and I have not seen a dog.")

Double Trouble comes in "three smell/flavors: Raspberry-Perspirant, Cedarwood Melon Blast, and 24-Hour Lemon Musk Extreme" (which is also a lube).

Jason tries to get DD to think long-term, but DD and Pillboi are committed to Double Trouble (Tahani: "I suppose a little entrepreneurial spirit never hurt anyone. Reach for the stars, as I said to my good friend, Elon Musk. And then he shot his car into space! What a weird creep. Why was I friends with him?"). They're also committed to their plan to rob an energy drink factory and a cologne factory for supplies to make Double Trouble (DD: "And then we just gotta bottle it all up! Oh, dip, we gotta rob a bottle factory").

Jason decides that maybe saving his dad's soul is a lost cause, but there's still something the Soul Squad can do: save Pillboi.

Pillboi, wearing a pink polo shirt and khakis, is talking to an old black woman with short gray hair, sitting at a table with a pink tablecloth and various food-related objects, like salt and pepper shakers, on it. They're at an old folks home and there are multiple people in the background.
"Now listen, Judy, you can't mix xannies with these little pink fools. You'll be
trippin' balls like Clarence was when he crawled into the ice machine." 
Tahani approaches Pillboi at his job at the old folks home, where he (woah, meta) hands out pills to oldies, and tells him that there's been a change of plans and he's not going to be robbing anything. He easily agrees and offers her some pills.

Jason meets up with DD in a factory (DD: "If you're here to tell me an energy drink body spray is a bad idea, I've heard it before from a bank and some doctors"); Jason's there to help, but tells DD that he has to leave Pillboi out of his schemes and crimes from now on. The cops show up, and DD tells Jason to make a run for it - he's going to take the fall. ("It's what my dad did for me, and his dad for him, and someday, you'll do this exact thing for your son.") He opens the factory door, screams "BORTLES," and runs away, while Jason sneaks out the back.

Tahani, Pillboi, and Michael sit on a couch at the old folks' home. Jason sits across from them. Michael is leaning conspiratorially towards Pillboi.

Michael: "So, your covert mission is to continue to report to this job until you receive our signal. This is the most important thing: you cannot commit any more crimes, and you must help these people as much as you can."
Pillboi: "Man, I can't believe this whole time you guys were with NASA!"
Tahani: "Yes, we are secret astronaut spies. That is indeed what Jason told you."

Crying, Jason and Pillboi go through an elaborate handshake:

Jason and Pillboi, sitting opposite each other, have their right arms extended towards each other and are clapping their hands against each others' forearms

Jason and Pillboi are back to back with their left arms extended overhead, with their left hands held together

Jason's leaning back onto Pillboi with his arms crossed across his chest, and Pillboi has his hands on Jason's shoulder blades. They're both obviously crying.

Pillboi and Jason's right hands are joined in a handshake and their left hands are pointed towards the ceiling. They're both looking up and they have weird expressions on their faces from crying


Two days later, the Soul Squad reunites in Budapest, ready to head to Tahani's sister's art exhibit. Jason says how great he feels about saving Pillboi and getting closure with DD. Eleanor wishes she could get closure with her parents, but they're both dead.

Or actually:

Janet: "So, the thing is, one of your parents is not technically, actually dead."
Michael: "Your mother's alive. She faked her own death."
Eleanor: "I'm sorry Tahani, I don't think I'll be able to stay with you here in Budapest. Turns out my mom isn't dead, so I need to fly back to America TO MURDER HER."


See you next time!