it's a secret life holiday extravaganza!

To catch you up from where we last left off - everything happened, people are married and/or dead and/or dating other peoples' sponsors, and if you can think it, it has probably happened on the show. Also apparently Leo is married again. Because WHY NOT.

And now, to the absolutely absurdly named Hedy's Happy Holiday House, which I kind of hope involves a murder mystery, but looks like it will be Christmas-themed.

Also, I really thought I had skipped a good deal of episodes, but it turns out that there just hadn't been any episodes.

Oh man. Okay. It's actually Christmas. So apparently Hedy's Happy Holiday House is a toy store that Ricky broke into every Christmas while he was in juvie, apparently with the consent of the owners. And now the Chekhovian gun is the mention of "there's no chance we could be arrested, why would we be arrested? The chances of us being arrested aren't even chances." Written in true Secret Life style, with extensive repetition and awkward sentence structure. Ah yes, my friends, we are back.

Oh god. Guys, it's a caper episode. I can't believe this is happening. We're seriously on a caper. I don't even. I can't.

And now Ricky's foster brother guy is giving his pregnant girlfriend a cross necklace. And she's giving him a little music box mechanism that plays that baseball theme thing.

Oh, dammit. Jack isn't dead. He's just in a coma. And now Grace loves him, because of COURSE she loves him once he's in a coma. She's a sucker for a martyrdom situation. Adrian is fighting with Omar next to a coma patient. Clementine is back. Still named Clementine.

Oh man. Actually this is kind of hilarious. Grace keeps asking Jack questions, and they keep showing comatose Jack. I don't know why this is so funny to me. Maybe I am just a bad person.


CAPER CAPER CAPER! They're taking Jack to the toy store. CAAAAAAAAAAPER. POLICE. CAPER. CAPER CAPER POLICE CAPER. And now Clementine's going to make out with the cop. Probably.

Did I mention there's a caper happening?

Good god, this show. Why do I do this to myself? I do this for you, people of the internet. Because for some godawful reason, you keep reading these, just as I keep writing them.

But, I could not finish it. I made it all the way through Liz and Dick. I watched a full ten minutes of 2 Broke Girls on a plane. I have even watched all of Sleepover. Twice. Yet I could not make it through this episode. It made me want to punch myself in the face.

I'm sorry to have failed you.