secret life: in which some crazy kids do some crazy things! hyuck hyuck hyuck.

Ah my friends, my strange friends that are still interested in the goings-on of the Secret Life crew, this week is one of the more irritating weeks. I have a feeling that I'm gonna have to completely cut off the whole Ben-existing thing soon. I'm sorry if anyone is particularly attached to Ben; I find him completely infuriating.

Aha! So it seems Ben got jealous of Adrian and Omar's relationship, and so said something to the school board about a teacher and a student, which technically isn't true, because Adrian graduated right before Omar became a student-teacher. Also, EVERYONE IS AT CHURCH. We get a church episode this week, you guys! Aren't you so pleased?

From the church action, it seems like Amy's dad and Grace's mom are definitely getting hardcore back together - they are in church! Together! Near God! Omar and Adrian are also at church together, though Adrian's dress is more club than chapel. She looks good. Amy is hating everything, per usual, and Ricky's little brother (still can't remember their actual relationship) is playing the organ? He said he'd played one at a baseball game before, which really makes me hope he plays some ballpark music. Like, you know, that one. You know the one. Everybody knows it. If you don't know it, you're not American. Which, to be fair, I think I have a decent number of readers that are not American, so, you know, you might not know it. I can't find it on youtube. But this is similar to what I want to happen:

BAHAHAHAHHA. Adrian just got into a fight with an 8-year old because she said "sex" in church, and he didn't like it, and then she's like, "Oh, like Jesus never had sex." Touche. Probably. There's a lot of foot-washing in the Bible, is all I'm saying.

YESSS. He did it! He played the baseball song. That's fantastic. And dun-dun-DUNNNNN, Jack finally walked in.... WITH MADISON!!!! Then Grace jumped up and said, "WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE," which I'm pretty sure is against church rules, and now she's crying in a bunk bed. Is there any sadder way to cry than in a bunk bed? I don't really think so. That is kind of the worst. Dear Grace, I'm sorry you decided to move out to the guest house and didn't think to take your queen-sized bed from your old bedroom with you. That was foolish.

Also, I feel like they keep switching between saying that Ann, Robbie and Ashley are in Spain or Italy. Maybe they're moving around, but I sorta feel like they just don't remember what's happening in the story. I don't blame them, because this is the most confusing season of Secret Life. Possibly ever.

Also, Kathleen is possibly the neediest person ever in a relationship. George says he feels bad that he didn't let Amy know that they were going to church together, because she's his daughter and he hasn't really bothered to keep her in the loop, and Kathleen is like, BUT I ROASTED THIS GIGANTIC HAM WITH A PINEAPPLE SLICE AND A CHERRY FOR YOU (I'm totally serious, she made the biggest ham, it was bizarre). And then he says he just wants to talk to his daughter, and she's like, WHERE ARE YOU GOING WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Okay, she doesn't actually say that, but, you can see her thinking it. But this is also the woman who got married within like two months of dating her last boyfriend because she felt weird about her kids knowing she was having sex. Not exactly the best at reasoning.

Ricky's dad just said something along the lines of, "Your mother and I always wondered if you would get married."

Dude, seriously. Ricky is 18. This was not a, oh, goodness, you're getting close to thirty! Tick tock! situation, this was a oh no, got a girl pregnant on the first try (secret high five, because, like, nice work, dude, or rather dude's sperm), now three years later we're married, type of situation. Which, really, I don't know that that makes any sense. I don't think it does.

Amy's issues with her mom are getting really confusing. I don't think she really understands them, nor do the writers, and so, my friends, nor do we. Okay. So. God. Shailene Woodley is actually like a pretty amazing actress, and I forget that for a lot of Secret Life, because she mainly just plays Disaffected Teen #2, but in this sort of mini-monologue she's giving to Ricky's mom, she's really getting to me. Which is impressive, considering that the script is still obviously written by Secret Life staff, and there's some cheesy dramatic piano, but - wow, Shailene Woodley, you are acting the shit out of this meager little part you got yourself embroiled in at far too young of an age. I hope this show dies so you can move on to greener pastures, because, man, you are really legitimately talented. Huh.

Ahhhh and we're back to antics. The new pregnant girl (name? HAH. You think they would say someone's name in this show? NOPE.) and Ricky's little brother are flirting in a car again - she keeps saying things like, man, yeah, I hope you don't do anything stupid like kiss me! HAHAHAHA (longing glance). But, despite her being pregnant, they are both like 14 or 15 or something, and they're being adorably naive and sweet to each other about this.

Ben blah blah blah fart. I can't make myself care about Ben. Leo and Camille are still dating, apparently. That's all I can give you for this. Ben is the worst. And now Dylan is on-screen. Guys, I'm sorry. I just can't condone the behaviors of the Secret Life writing staff in allowing these two characters to still be part of the team. I just. I can't. They're awful. Though Dylan can be kind of fun when she's being a sociopath, right now I think they're going with "wahh wahhh I'm Dylan and I can't date Ben because I blamed him for burning the school down wahhhh my life is so hard" and I JUST CANNOT.

Ah, but from the Dylan/her dad scene, we got the crucial piece of information - Ben is the one who accused Omar of "being a pervert," whatever that means. I'm imagining a less well-designed version of the episode of Veronica Mars featuring Adam Scott as possibly-pervy-history-teacher. Probably it was dumb. But, now we know for sure that it was Ben, in a misplaced and idiotic fit of jealous rage (I assume) over Omar's relationship with Adrian. Also, can we just all appreciate how attractive the name Omar is for a second? Look at it. That is an attractive word.

Just so everyone knows, I'm on a myriad of things for a sinus infection. So. There is a chance I might be making weird decisions about word shapes. Just saying.

OH MY GOD DYLAN IS A SOCIOPATH. Her dad was just being like, you need a new boyfriend who fits into this family, you know, like a normal nice human being! You're our only daughter! And so Dylan responds, "I know. I'd hate to see you lose me."

. . .

She's a lunatic. It's one thing if you yell something like that at your parents when you're fifteen in a moment of teenaged, hormone-addled melodrama ("I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY AND THEN I'LL GET HIT BY A TRAIN AND DIE AND THEN YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD LET ME GO TO THAT JUSTIN BEIBER CONCERT THEN! YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!"), but she has a completely level-headed expression. A calculating expression, one might say.

So it seems that Ricky and Amy may have made a sex tape. I kind of just want to leave this here. Let you all believe that's what's going on in the show right now. Honestly, it would be a more normal storyline than about 90% of what happens on this stupid show.

Oh, Ben. Ben Ben Ben. You have no idea how friendship works. You can't ask your best female friend, WHOM YOU HAVE SLEPT WITH, to pretend to be your girlfriend, and have her ex-boyfriend, who is your best male friend, pretend to be your girlfriend's boyfriend. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. UGHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHFJDKFJSLDKKJFKLSADFNGIULKXC<MHJKELR:<FVNDJJHVJCKLS>ASRM<TGNSFUDIOVJLKS:AS<MDVNJHJIO:KSLDA

I'm sorry, I just got uncontrollably irritated there. Apologies.

CAN SOMEONE JUST TELL ME WHAT IS ON THE DVD. WHY DID I MISS THIS. UGHGHHGHG I NEED TO KNOW IF THEY MADE A SEX TAPE. Oh, lame. Nope. Looks like they just didn't actually get married. So. Fine. Whatever. Totally less exciting.

Jack is emotionally manipulating Grace on purpose. In other news, the sky is blue.

AWW THEY KISSED (preggo and little brother). ADORABLE.